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He doesnโt remember me, but I know who he is. The biographer and I met at a party Nathaniel took me to about a year after I arrived in New York, a literary fundraiser at one of those apartments where the elevator opens right into the living room. โWilhelmina, this good man wants to write about me,โ Nathaniel said. โYour assignment tonight is to persuade him of a better idea.โ
A tray of miniature hamburgers floated by, and the biographer grabbed one and ate it looking down at my feet. He was squarely middle-aged, with a saddish face and damp-looking skin that suggested an indoor life. He followed us from the bar to the bookshelves and back again as Nathaniel drifted through the crowd greeting people. Nathaniel, as I recall, was kind but distracted, and probably irritated by how I hovered at his elbow, laughing a beat late at every joke. I was too new to that scene to talk to anyone without them addressing me first. And who would? I was, what, twenty-four, conspicuously younger than every other guest. For months, Iโd wanted Nathaniel to bring me along to one of his obligations, as he called themโbut when I got there, I found it sterile and frightening. All those long-haired women with their stylish glasses, the men, like the biographer, looking at me in that furtive, knowing way, like I was somethingโa dollar bill, or a penโNathaniel might drop for them to pick up.
โIโm going to do it, you know,โ the biographer said, grabbing another tiny hamburger. โWrite that book.โ On the mantel above the fireplaceโa fireplace, in a penthouse!โthe hosts grinned from a photo, bookended by Bill and Hillary Clinton.
โThe definitive biography! Get in line,โ I said, taking a sip of wine. Iโd never heard anything from anyone about a biography, but amplifying Nathanielโs importance seemed a key task in my vague job description, along with maintaining the orderliness of his sock drawer and always being available for a daytime trip to the movie theater.
โTo think he wanted to be an actor,โ the biographer said. โCan you imagine?โ Nathaniel was already a few steps away, making a quarter he kept in his suit pocket for this purpose appear and disappear behind an elderly womanโs ear.
โNathaniel as an actor?โ I said. โOf course I can.โ โI mean a world where he never wrote his books.โ
In those early days I could be disarmed by the performative fandom of Nathanielโs readers. They were contributing to a different conversation, a secret one about influence and loyalty and status that underpinned the one happening on the surface. I hadnโt learned to hear it yet. โNo, I canโt,โ I agreed. And wasnโt it true? Nathanielโs books had made this world for me. Theyโd been the doorway, and now here I was, on the inside.
At the time of the party, the biographer had not yet written a single biography. I had written many poems, but not yet anything Nathaniel liked. Nathaniel had written six collections of poetry, two screenplays, four literary novels, one essay collection. A book of food writing; a pocket-sized collection of aphoristic wisdoms about the weather that sold better than all the poetry books combined. A best-selling memoir that had been adapted into a movie; a gritty, out-of-character romance that had been adapted into an even more famous movie.
Lili had not yet written the piece that would change all our lives.
I took a hamburger, too, and ate it looking into the biographerโs eyes. A piece of bun fell straight out of my mouth. The biographer watched it fall and then stepped on it, as if to hide my bad manners from both of us. In Nathanielโs settings, I was mostly quiet and accommodating. But sometimes an urge to be distasteful would overtake me. I didnโt know how to explain these urges to myselfโor to Nathaniel, when he noticedโand they were always followed by an effervescent, almost pleasurable burst of shame. After I finished the burger, I wiped my fingers on my thigh, blushing.
The biographer got to talking about his apartment in Williamsburg, a neighborhood being gentrified into oblivion. In five, six years, he said, living on Graham Avenue would be like living in a juice bar. 2017 seemed as far away to me as Michigan. When he asked, I said I was living in Manhattan, and then I changed the subject. I was living in Nathanielโs spare room. I was Nathanielโs spare girl. Assistant, I told him, in response to the biographerโs precisely executed question about my relationship to Nathaniel. Literary assistant.
The sun had set. The cityscape through the windows was like a starry night from the future, galactic and buzzing. Over by the bar, Nathaniel gave me the signal for letโs split, the one weโd planned on the walk overโa finger gun raised to his head. But then a woman in a long dress grabbed his arm and he turned toward her, taking the drink she offered. I tried not to look disappointed.
โStop touching your hair,โ the biographer said. Weโd been trapped together all evening, two shy losers.
โWhat?โ
โWhen you talk, you touch your hair over and over.โ He made an effeminate swooping motion; it took a beat to recognize he was showing me myself. โIt makes you seem insecure.โ He reached out and paused my hand. I was startled to find he was rightโhis hand and mine were in my hair now, almost cupping my face. There was something funny about this intimacy and I laughed without meaning to, but when the biographer didnโt join, I stopped, a bit afraid. He brought my hand down slowly, as if I couldnโt be trusted to do it myself. When my arm was safely by my side, he wrapped his fingers around my wrist, measuring its perimeter, and then squeezed my hand.
โThatโs it,โ he said. โRelax.โ I tried not to move my arm. Adjusting my hair would prove a point, but I couldnโt guarantee he would interpret the action as rebellion, instead of more involuntary female idiocy. So I pretended I had no arm, no hand at all. When my hair drifted into my face, I blew it away, wishing I were a different sort of woman.
Oh, the relief when Nathaniel appeared beside the biographer with my purse. The thing about living in New York City was that no matter how bad an event was, when you left, you were still in New York City. Down on the street, I skipped, I was so happy, and that made Nathaniel laugh. โNever take me to another party again,โ I said, and we shook on it.
โShall we run back?โ he asked. I didnโt think he was serious, but he took off, his jacket winging as he weaved between clusters of people on the sidewalk. They cursed at him, jumped aside, stared in wonder at the gray-haired man galloping in his dress shoes. Within a minute he had a block on me, but thenโI was just drunk enough for thisโI kicked my kitten heels off and held them in one hand as I ran. The city under my feet had an animalโs warm, breathing give, scaled with glass and bottle caps and still-burning cigarettes. I caught Nathaniel by the coat and only then did he slow. I was sweating; he was not. We got dollar slices a block from Nathanielโs apartment, licking oil off our fingers as we made fun of the way the biographer stuck to my side, afraid to be seen in that room standing alone. โI can only imagine the questions heโd ask,โ Nathaniel said. โWhat was your mother like?โ He started in on his crust. My heels were bleeding, but I couldnโt feel it yet. I loved him very much.
Now, the first line of the biographerโs email: I donโt think weโve met.
Outside the window of my temporary office, everything is grayโgray leaves, gray sky, gray sidewalk, the students walking in pairs and trios toward the cafeteria, which hulks grayly on the horizon. Itโs been five years since that awful party; Nathaniel is due to arrive in Rosendale in a matter of days, for a reading I couldnโt manage to get canceled. I am writing the authorized biography of Nathaniel Fellow, writes the biographer. Authorized! Was it possible Nathaniel had agreed? Worry churns in my gut at the thought, and I try to ignore it. Not my problem anymore. I was told you knew him well, the biographer writes. Would you be open to a brief interview?
Maybe heโs just being polite, but the email is worded stiffly, a modification of a form. This happens to me often. I was a pretty girl in a city full of pretty girls. Easy to forget.
*
If you want to write fiction, Nathaniel said, start with as many real details as possible. His women were mostly based on women heโd known. His men were mostly based on him. Versions of him, he said. One can sort of throw oneโs voice. The writerโs job, first and foremost, is to make what they are lying about feel true. We were on a blanket in Sheep Meadow when he told me this, finding shapes in the clouds, a game Iโd never played, not even in childhood. And then, once the thing is written, change it up just enough so the person youโve stolen from doesnโt recognize themselves. Elephant, he said. The Mackinac Bridge! The clouds floated into new shapes. A strawberry burst in my mouth.
The biographer probably wouldnโt think to ask me about Nathaniel as a teacherโheโd ask his verifiable former students, if he could get any of them to answer.
Another one of Nathanielโs rules: If you need the past to tell a story, youโre telling the wrong story. When I started writing fiction, he handed all my stories back with the first three or four pages cut. I learned he did this to most of his students. Heโd skim the first few pages, scanning for something interesting, and then write: Start here. Almost always, the second drafts were improvements.
I know where heโd start our story. His office, late August, New York City. A woman, opening the door. Iโd read scenes like it so many times; when he called for me to come in, looked up from his desk, it wasnโt him I saw, not exactly, but him seeing me. The moment, as I lived it, played through his eyes: the girl with her long hair down, lip-stick an endearing bid to look older, bare legs shiny with lotion. A heavy bag of books, the pretense for this meeting, slipping off her shoulder, tugging the strap of her cheap dress with it.
Iโll begin our story much earlier than he would, and with a fact.
Nathaniel didnโt know I existed until I made him learn my name.
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From Famous Men by Julie Buntin. Copyright ยฉ 2026 by Julie Buntin. Published by Random House, an imprint and division of Penguin Random House LLC. All rights reserved.
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