The goal-setting mistake most people make without realising it

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I have struggled to set goals for most of my life. I’ve wondered for a while what they actually do for me. When I was younger, my dad had us write down big, ambitious, long-term goals. I still have some of those handwritten notes.

Two of them were:

1. Earn a college scholarship for academics or athletics.

2. After college, get a job that I actually like instead of just worrying about money.

Both came true. So, here’s a reasonable question: Did they happen because I wrote them down? Or because I did the work to make them a reality?

The answer is yes.

Goals work as fuel for action, but the action is what makes it happen. This is a subtle but important distinction. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve drifted away from setting outcome-based goals and focused more on the process or a system. I began saying things like, “If I focus on the process, the outcome will take care of itself.” That philosophy became central to one of my previous books, The Score That Matters . (Written with Brook Cupps)

This philosophy served me well, until a conversation with lacrosse legend Paul Rabil forced me to confront a truth about my own relationship with ambition. Paul talked with me about setting big, ambitious outcome-related goals, and I realized something uncomfortable: maybe I’d stopped setting big goals because I was afraid.

As Paul told me, “Most people don’t set goals because the act alone is both a major and personal step in the direction of commitment, and it invites hope, fear, and the possibility of regret.”

That hit me hard. It’s much safer to focus solely on the process. When you do that, you have complete control. You get to decide how hard you work, how early you wake up, how dedicated you remain. But outcomes? Those involve the chaotic outside world, luck, timing, and a thousand variables you can’t control. And I like being in control.

Here’s what I’ve come to realize: focusing only on the process might be a sophisticated form of self-protection. It’s rational. It’s smart. But it might also be limiting. The most powerful human achievements often begin with someone setting an outlandish goal that makes them and everyone else uncomfortable. Not because the goal itself creates success, but because it forces a level of commitment that wouldn’t exist otherwise.

While I still believe deeply in the power of process, I think I might be limiting myself by avoiding outcome goals. By shying away from declaring what I really want to achieve, I’m protecting myself from potential disappointment but also capping my potential. What’s the harm in setting a massive outcome-related goal? I don’t hit it? Life goes on.

But the attempt itself might take me places I’d never go otherwise. Maybe the wisest approach isn’t choosing between process and outcomes but understanding how they work together. The big goals give us direction and force commitment; the process gives us the daily path forward. Neither works well without the other.

The big goals give us direction and force commitment; the process gives us the daily path forward. Neither works well without the other.

I want to challenge you to examine your own relationship with goal setting. Are you, like I was, hiding behind the safety of process-only thinking? Are there big things you’ve been afraid to name because it feels too vulnerable?

First, get honest about what you’re avoiding. What goal would fundamentally change your life if you achieved it? What do you want so badly that you’re afraid to admit? Write it down. Don’t edit it. Don’t make it realistic. Just write the truth.

Second, notice your resistance. Pay attention to the voice that explains why it’s impossible or impractical. That voice isn’t protecting you. It’s limiting you. Acknowledge it and set it aside.

Third, share your goal with someone you trust. Speaking it aloud transforms it from private fantasy into something real and accountable. Choose someone who will support your ambition rather than talk you out of it.

Next, take action toward that goal this week. It doesn’t have to be big, but it needs to be something you wouldn’t have done while playing it safe. For instance, if your goal is to start a side business, reach out to three potential clients this week, or if you want to switch careers, schedule informational interviews with people in your target field. This creates momentum and proves you’re serious.

The most impactful leaders are willing to set big, ambitious goals. They learned to live with the tension between what they want and where they are, using that gap as fuel rather than letting it paralyze them. Process versus outcome isn’t really a choice. It’s understanding how they work together. What goal have you been afraid to set? What would you attempt if failure weren’t permanent? The answer might reveal exactly what you need to pursue.

This article The goal-setting mistake you don’t know you’re making is featured on Big Think .